A No Good Dirty Rotten Horrible Day
by kryscrossed
Summary: Jack's having the worst day of his life, and everybody else just seems amused by it. BALH fic.


"Oh, come on Jack, it couldn't have been that bad…"

Jack glared at the table top, moving his empty glass around in circles as if that would somehow help matters, "It was. It was the day from hell. Seriously, I think the devil may have been involved in some way."

Stress reached across the table, wrapping her fingers around the glass, and pulling it away from him, "You've gotta stop that," she said, when he looked up at her, surprise in his brown eyes, "You're going to wear a hole in table. Or in my sanity. Either way, you gotta stop."

Jack sighed, leaning back against the booth as he shoved his hair away from his face with ink stained fingers. "You have no idea. Today was horrible. The worst day of my life… Let me tell you what happened."

Stress nodded her consent, leaning back in her own seat to hear out Jack's tale.

"It all started this morning, when I was getting ready to go sell…"

_"Hey, Race, can you pass the shaving cream?" Jack asked, picking the dull bladed straight razor up off the counter in the washroom._

_"Sure, Jack, here you go." Race smiled, handing the small bowl of shaving cream over to the other boy. _

_"What are you so happy about? You're usually half dead in the morning." Jack asked, using a well worn brush to scoop out the white foam and spread it across his face._

_"Yeah, well this morning holds the promise of a great day, Jack, that's all." Race replied, a smirk firmly in place on his lips._

_Mush and Kid Blink glanced at each other, before they each burst out laughing, elbowing and fighting to get out of the washroom first. Jack watched the bizarre exchange, before shooting a look at Race, "What the hell is going on with those two?"_

_Racetrack looked up from the sink, shrugging innocently, "__Dunno__, Jack."_

_Jack shrugged, not spending too much time thinking about it. Kid Blink and Mush never acted normal, it was nothing he was going to waste his time thinking about._

_"__Gotta__ go, Jack.__ And, uh… you might want to check the __mirror,__ you've got a little something on your chin."_

_Racetrack ducked from the room, a silly grin plastered on his face. Jack just shook his head as he watched him go. There must be something in the water, the way everyone was acting so weird._

_He glanced in the mirror, looking for whatever it had been that Race was talking about. "What the…" Jack spoke the words aloud, though there was nobody else in the room__. Sure enough there was a large __green smudge on his cheek, the other half of his face, still covered with the shaving cream. He used a towel to wipe the rest of the cream off, so he could get a better look at his face. __"What the hell?!"__ The whole lower half of his face was covered in green, as if somebody had painted it on him. He grabbed the towel, dipping it into some water before scrubbing at his face. The green wouldn't come off._

_Jack scrubbed his face for a good half hour, with no avail. The only difference it made was staining the non-green portions of his face a bright red, from all the rough scrubbing. "Wonderful." Jack spat out bitterly__, "Now I look like freaking Christmas."_

Stress laughed as Jack recounted the story, clapping her hand over her mouth to cover her snickers when Jack glared sourly at her.

"It aint funny!"

Stress tried her best to keep a straight face, but failed as another peal of laughter escaped her mouth, "Yeah it is!"

"Fine then, if you don't wanna be supportive, I won't tell you the rest." Jack threatened, making to slide out of the booth.

"Oh, c'mon Jack," Stress said, reaching across the table to grab his arm, "Don't go, I'll stop laughin, I promise."

Jack scowled a bit, before settling back down in the booth, "Well, alright. So, after the shaving cream incident, I decided I still needed to go to the Distribution office, ya know, to buy my papes. I couldn't afford to take a day off, even if I did look like a walking Santa Clause…"

_Jack made his way to the distribution office, his lips set in a straight line, and his forehead wrinkled in anger. "I know this was Higgins. __Higgins and Mush and Kid.__ I'm __gonna__ kill '__em__." He mumbled to himself as he made his way to the DO. _

_A snort of laughter caused him to jerk his head up, looking for the source of the familiar snicker. "Higgins! You're dead, you hear me? __Dead!"_

_Racetrack laughed, grabbing onto Mush's arm for support, as if he couldn't stand on his __own__ he was laughing so hard. _

_"Aw, Jack! You look great in green! It really sets off your eyes!" And with that Racetrack lost it, doubling over as he guffawed loudly. Mush and Blink were cracking up, pointing at Jack as they laughed._

_"Yeah, alright, enough!"__ Jack said, glaring at them, "You might think this is funny now, but don't you worry. I'll get you back. And you'll wish you'd never pulled a prank on Jack Kelly! You hear me?!"_

_Racetrack took off down the street, Mush and Blink following behind, shoulders shaking in silent laughter."_

_Jack kicked his foot through the dirt, sending a cloud of dust and street grime up in their direction._

_"Dirty, __rotton__ jerks." He mumbled, glaring after them as he turned back towards the DO._

_"I'm sorry?" __Came__ a female voice from directly in front of him, "You __talkin__' to me?"_

_"__Wha__—oh, no.__ Sorry, __Mornin__' Glory, didn't see you there. I was just—"_

_Morning Glory cut him off, her eyes wide as she looked him full in the face, "What the heck happened to your face, Kelly? Couldn't grow a beard on your own so you thought you'd draw one in, or __somethin__'?"_

_Jack glared at the girl, "Hey, I can grow __a beard__ just fine, thanks! It was those morons over there __who__ did this!" Jack pointed at the retreating figures, still laughing about their little prank, no doubt. _

_Morning Glory burst out laughing, when she realized the coloring on Jack's face had been a prank, "Are you kidding? They aren't moron's they're geniuses! I need to go congratulate them, see you later, Jack!"_

_By this time, Jack's scowl was etched so deep into his face, it was practically splitting him in two, He turned back towards the iron gates of the DO once more, and was just coming up to them when they swung shut in his face. _

_"Sorry kid, Morning Editions sold out. __That factory fire over on 52__nd__ made for a great headline, the papers are selling like hot cakes this morning." _

_Jack stared at the man in disbelief, as he delivered the news, and then walked away whistling a happy tune. "You've __gotta__ be kidding me!" Jack yelled out, to nobody in particular._

_"Well, this is just great. Best headline of the month, and I'm late." Jack said, again speaking aloud to himself, "And talking to myself. Wonderful, I'm broke and crazy."_

_Jack turned around, wondering what exactly he was going to do with his day, if he wasn't going to sell papers. It had been a long time since he'd had a whole day to himself. He smiled slightly, "Maybe this won't be so bad. Yeah, it'll be like a day off. __A vacation-type day."_

_Jack shoved his hands in his pockets, taking off towards Central Park. If he couldn't sell, he could at least enjoy himself._

_He smiled to himself as he crossed onto one of the many paths that wound their way through the Park. He glanced around, taking in the sites of the people that were out walking along with him. Two young girls were playing some sort of __jacks__ game off to the side of the path, and a few feet away sat what Jack assumed to be their parents, watching the girls with smiles on their faces. A few yards down was a younger couple, walking side by side, the man speaking animatedly and the woman smiling and nodding at him. _

_And then there was a little old lady, who was walking by herself, a small black handbag dangling from her thin white wrist. Jack frowned when something dropped from the bag onto the path, the woman not even noticing. He hurried his steps, picking the object up, and recognizing it as a small change purse. He __briefly considered keeping __it,__ after all, he'd found it, fair and square. But his questionable sense of morals pushed him to give the purse back. _

_"__Scuse__ me!__Scuse__ me ma'am!"__ Jack said, chasing after the woman, __"__I think you dropped this__." He breathed out when he finally caught up with her, his breathing ragged from the running. _

_The woman turned, and her eyes filled with fear when she saw him, "Glory be! It's a leprechaun!" She exclaimed. Her eyes fell to where he was holding her change purse out to her, "A thieving leprechaun! Help! Help! __Theif__!"__ She screamed, taking her small handbag and whacking Jack with it as hard as she could. _

_"Hey! Hey, lady, cool it!" Jack exclaimed, the piercing sounds of police whistles spreading through the air. "Wonderful." He spat out bitterly, tossing the bag of change at the old lady's feet, and taking off at a run, "I __shoulda__ kept it lady!" He yelled over his shoulder, dodging out of the __park,__ and into the busy crowded streets once more. "Ungrateful woman." He muttered, as he slowed to a walk, casting a glance around in case there were any more bulls chasing him. _

"So, were there?"

"Were there what?" Jack asked, eyeing Stress suspiciously, wondering if she was fully understanding his distress.

"Were there any bulls following you?!" Stress rolled her eyes at her boy, sometimes he could be a little dense.

"Oh. No, there weren't. But that crazy old lady almost knocked me senseless with that bag of hers! Look at this mark!" Jack shoved his greasy hair away from his face, pointing to a slight red mark by his temple.

Stress was trying as hard as she could not to burst out laughing, and managed to contain most of her snorts. "Oh, Jack… I'm sorry." She managed to get out, before a stream of giggles escaped.

"Oh, so you think this is funny, do you?" Jack asked, finally cracking a small smile, as he threw a crust of his bread across the table at her.

Stress started, as the bread hit her, right in the middle of her forehead. "Hey!" she exclaimed, picking up the wayward crust, and tossing it back at him.

Jack ducked the flying food, and it sailed past his head, instead smacking into the neck of a customer who was just entering the restaurant.

"Hey!" the man exclaimed, his hand reaching up to touch the spot on his neck that had just been hit, "What's your problem kid?! Hey, John! This kid just threw food at me!" The man pointed angrily at Jack, and the waiter called John hurried to apologize to the man.

"You! Out of here, right now!" the waiter exclaimed, pulling Jack by the sleeve, and physically dragging him from the booth, "And I don't want to see you in here again! Throwing food in an establishment like this. Really!"

Jack looked completely flabbergasted as he was thrust from the restaurant, Stress following not far behind, but on her own will. "Are you kidding me?! Hey, get your hands off me you dirty mutt!"

The waiter pulled the door closed behind him, giving Jack one final dirty look before he turned away, escorting the gentleman that had been hit by Stress's food attack to a table.

"See what I mean?!" Jack exploded, "I didn't even throw that food! You did!"

Stress let out a loud peal of laughter, unable to answer him for a while. Finally when she got her breathe back she responded, "That's what you get for throwing your food at me, Jack Kelly!"

Jack's face was drawn into a pout, "I'm just gonna go back to the lodging house and go to bed. Don't you need to get back to Bottle Alley?"

"It's barely past noon, Jack." Stress slipped her arm around Jack's waist, willing herself to stop laughing, "C'mon Kelly, the day can't get any worse. Tell ya what… I'll take the afternoon off, walk with you around Central Park. Fend off any old ladies that want to beat you up… Whaddya say?"

Jack sighed, looking down at Stress as he slipped his arm around her shoulders, "Yeah, alright… on one condition, though. Don't go trying to protect me from no old ladies, they're stronger than they look."

"You've got yourself a deal."


End file.
